PS; I Will Kill You: Chumming The Waters

This is what I thought when I first felt your caress;

Is there any blood on the floor? I screamed internally and wondered to myself over and over if I was bleeding on the floor. Forget the blood on my shirt or what was coming out of the gash on my head, but what about the floor? I can’t afford to lose any money on the deposit. I put in for the deposit eleven months, three weeks, five days, seven hours and fourteen minutes ago excluding seconds and it was all I had left after she died and I cannot afford to lose this deposit after the funeral oh god what is happening.

I got up and questioned events; I left for my fifth walk that evening because the silent void that was once our home screamed at me the only way a depressing mime of a shattered life can scream, then I was chased by the complex’s resident bruiser Charles, the five pound Chihuahua pup from hell. After a brisk bit of exercise, and a bit of hysterical laughter that got at least three of the resident night owls to curse me out for interrupting whatever late night garbage was on their devices, I went back into that yawning void of comfort to discover I wasn’t alone. This is where things ended, began and did a few other things I am not proud of.

First, I am not a cautious man. I charged my would be intruder with my already hyped up sense of adrenaline and self-loathing brought on by vicious puppies and angst-ridden octogenarians. The result was my flipping upside down and into the floor of my kitchen. Something sticky had made contact with my head and the floor and for a moment I thought I spilled bourbon after last night’s fifteenth pity party but alas the blood had started to flow and I knew that beyond my idiocy and head trauma that I was never going to live down that moment in my own head, so what I did next was worse; with a great amount of broken sense of self worth I lifted myself from the linoleum, grabbed the empty bottle of bourbon I hadn’t thrown out, a large glass bottle of Old Granddad, and I brandished it like a hobo’s Excalibur as I decidedly wrecked the shit out of the hooded figure stealing my shitty first gen plasma screen TV.

And lo did my blade sing true and not only shattered upon the foul beast of a fifteen year old lad’s head but then gutted the infant thief by digging the weight of my depressed form into him via a shard of handle glass I would not relinquish for the world. With the devil’s luck he flipped onto the device and bled into the cracked carapace, making a junkyard punch bowl out of my fucking television. I laughed triumphant until the realization that I killed a child in my home caught on and then I broke down for three hours. This is what led me to the repetition of our introduction with one another and I clearly apologize for my rudeness in neither producing the whole script in entirety without abridging nor the clear lack of regard for the boy as a defense mechanism.

As I said, this was our introduction and while you didn’t find any of this amusing at the time I hope you find it hilarious now, seeing that you do not find yourself in the current of events as they exist today. Regardless, I will describe you to the best of my ability and hope you understand why I have done what I did without making sure you were aided after the chaos of an afterlife ensued. First, I didn’t know that a large sitting bowl of blood attracted vampires. Second, I did not know that vampires were picky about their meals on the whole. Third and most important, I did not know that one teenager would not feed you. For all of this, you have my sincerest fuck you go die in a fire you fucked up my life you leechfucker.

What did happen was that you, a vampire who had no clue I was your ancestor, decided to stop by for a pie that was cooling on my living room floor. You entered the window the thief did, slid across the carpet just as any cold and lonely spider would without invitation, then fed your share of the bowl before deciding that heroin addict didn’t fit your meal plan. Then you saw me rouse and without questioning how you could enter a house where the occupant was still alive, you lapped up the back of my head like an actual vampire bat would. It only took three licks and then you pierced my cranium like a tootsie pop and there I went, taking you with me.

Now I don’t know how much, if any, of your memory has returned since then, but I’ll give you the fun facts. Vampires cannot drink from descendants of their human line or they will lose all of their memories. This is a fun little bit of the curse they added in without saying anything because God, The Devil, Aliens or the prick warlock who did all this to us thought it would be a great monkey wrench to add to the totality of the curse. What also wasn’t communicated was that if you turn someone via brain-blood, they get all your muscle memory. Cool trick if you’re looking to get a matrix-esqe download of bloodsucker kung-fu but not so pleasant when its happening. Lastly, I look like you. A LOT like you. Like Prince and the Pauper levels of stupidity going on in this Stoker nightmare you dragged my already done with life ass into. At least I got to move on, even if at break neck pace. On to what you might ask? Well, if you remember what you were good at then we’re golden on that front. If not? Well, lets just say I got a job to kill you once they found out I wasn’t you and can do your job better than you can.

More to come in future attempts to kill you, best of luck to my greatest of grandpas, Love Connor.

PS I will kill you.

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